where your voice belongs
by StellaLunaLu
Summary: "After all her years of icy resolve, all the time she'd spent teaching herself to be strong, all it took was Reid."  excerpt.
1. if you're not really here

The night was full. Across from her, JJ laughed at something Morgan had said. Hotch and Rossi debated frivolously about the origins of the word "template", while she contributed every once and a while.

As the group chatted idly, the sounds of clinking china and ice rattling in glass cups filled the air. Emily laughed and swatted at Derek Morgans hand as he plucked a French fry from her plate.

"Watch yourself!" She warned. Popping the fry into his mouth, he grinned smugly. Emily sighed contently and popped a fry into her own mouth.

This was her favourite, the time between cases when they could all just sit and enjoy each other. When she could sit and enjoy her all friends. Her family.

Well, almost all of her friends. There was one person missing. Even in the noise of the night, she could still hear the silence where his laugh belonged. His voice, spewing statistics, his gentle intake of air before he started talking. Though there was no visible gap, she could see the place where he belonged. Directly across from her, in between JJ and Derek.

How many times had he smiled his smile at her from right there? Glancing away before she could return it. She didn't know. But it was still too few for her. Or maybe too many. She wasn't sure. She had avoided considering, in depth, what that smile meant to her. Or what the butterflies that came after it meant to her.

Now she glanced up as the check came. Frowning, she took it and placed it on the table. It always amused her how quiet the group got when the check came. Like someone had muted them as a collective as they tried to remember whose turn it was to pick it up. Morgan got there first.

"Damn," he chuckled, "It's Reid's turn." Rossi shook his head, smiling as JJ laughed.

"Of course it is." She said as she plucked the check off the table, picking up Reids slack quite literally. Hotch slapped a ten down on the table and Emily followed suit. They were copied by Morgan and Rossi, leaving JJ only her own meal to pay for.

"Where is Reid, anyways?" Emily asked, beyond casual. JJ furrowed her brow.

"He said he was busy. Wouldn't say doing what.."

"Or who.." Derek cringed as JJ smacked him.

"He's asked to take some time off." Hotch didn't look up from his plate while everyone turned to look at him.

Emily tried to guess whether he was joking. If he was, it was totally unlike himself. If he wasn't, it was completely unlike Reid. What would he take time off for? She looked at JJ, hoping she would have some kind of answer, but she looked just as confused as Emily. Finally, she found her voice.

"What-" She swallowed. "For how long? And why?" Hotch looked up at her, confused.

"Two weeks.. And I didn't ask." He considered her carefully and she looked away, flustered.

The rest of the team moved on, discussing the news only a little, while Emily let the information fester. Why would Spencer take time off so suddenly? What had she missed? Had he mentioned this before, some time when she hadn't been paying attention? She glanced up at Rossi, the only other silent person at the table, and saw he was looking at her. When their eyes met he smiled and glanced away, but not before Emily saw the consideration in his eyes. The question waiting for an answer.

She wondered why she kept getting that look. Was is really so queer to be confused about Reids absence? Her thoughts were interrupted by JJ.

"Oh man, how does it get to be so late? I really have to get going, I left Will at home with Henry." She sighed as she stood. Emily got up too, the legs of her chair scraping the floor as she pushed it back.

"I should probably go too." She said absent-mindedly. Morgan nodded and she smiled at the men still sitting. "You boys stay out of trouble, now."The three of them laughed as they bid the girls farewell. Emily walked with JJ out the parking lot, chatting idly along the way.

Outside, the night was crisp and a little chilly, but without wind. Wrapping her sweater around herself, she waved to JJ and got into her small sedan.


	2. lunch break

**AN. **

**okay ALMOST this entire story is already written, so lucky for you, updates will be fairly quick/often. but that doesn't really improve the content, unlucky for you.. enjoy**

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The next day, work was dull. They weren't on a case, so there was nothing to do but sit at their desks and wait. Derek sat at his desk and read Kurt Vonnegut, sometimes stopping to read a paragraph to her, and she sat at her desk and sifted through files. There were surprisingly few on her desk, even with the team short one person.

JJ was reviewing cases in her office and Garcia was probably deep in her fortress of machines playing solitaire. Hotch and Rossi were out on lunch. She was desperately bored.

She could practically feel Spencers absence. Never before had she realized what a big role he played in every day office life. Even when they weren't talking, the sound of his breathing and typing was always in the background. Without the movement of him pushing his hair out of his face, or spinning absentmindedly in his chair, his desk seemed absolutely desolate.

Unable to stand it anymore, Emily stood. Derek glanced up at her, but didn't say anything. Grabbing her phone from her jacket pocket, she crossed the bullpen to the elevator. Pressing the ground level button, she flipped open her phone and scrolled through her contacts, pausing at "Reid."

The elevator stopped and she snapped the phone shut as the doors opened to reveal Garcia. Glancing up from her crossword puzzle, she smiled.

"Prentiss, my flower, what brings you here today?" She stepped into the elevator. Emily glanced up and realized they were only the third floor.

"Well actually, Garcia, I was on my way to lunch." Garcia nodded and pressed the ground floor button.

"All by yourself, my sweet? How depressing." Emily smiled.

"You are welcome to join me, if you like." She said.

"Oh, any other day and I would. But I've just taken lunch with Kevin." Emily nodded and smiled coyly.

"How are things in the love department?" Garcia smiled and sighed.

"Absolutely fantastic. Kevin is so great." She stopped and looked up at Emily.

"What about you?" Emily's eyes widened.

"I-What?" Garcia cocked her head and furrowed her brow.

"Any interesting boy stories?" She said, still looking at Emily, who felt sheepish. Of course she meant boys. Just boys. She scolded herself.

"Nope." She replied shortly and looked away. Penelope nodded but was silent. When the elevator doors opened at ground level, Emily muttered a farewell before exiting as quickly as possibly.

Behind her, Penelope Garcia shook her head and pressed the seventh floor button.


	3. the call

**AN.. sorry for the super short chapter**

**thank youu for all the reviews! you guys are amazing, i love how into this you're getting (: enjoy!**

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Later, as Emily Prentiss unlocked the door to her apartment, she thought about the conversation she'd had with Garcia. Throwing her keys on the kitchen counter and flopping down on the couch, she wondered about the last look in Garcia's eyes.

She'd always been wary of Penelope, of the things she knew, or could find out. Even without her computer at the ready, she was a cunning girl. Sharp senses, keen wit. And Emily didn't want those senses analyzing her.

Sighing, she pulled out her phone and brought up contacts. She started scrolling through, then, realizing what she was doing, snapped the phone shut again. Frustrated, she turned on the TV, flicking channels until she landed on the movie Titanic.

She watched as Jack pushed Rose through the hallways, up to their knees in water. There was something familiar about his lank hair and his thin form that made her smile.

Eventually she fell asleep on her couch. When she woke up sometime later, Titanic was over and reruns of an old sitcom were playing. Turning off the TV, she staggered upstairs to her bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

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As the the sky got brighter, rays of light flitted through the blinds, traveling across the carpet and up the foot of her bed as the sun raised higher in the sky. At seven am a phone rang somewhere in the apartment, but went unanswered. After three rings, it went to voicemail.

A few minutes later it rang again. This time it stopped after only one ring. Then the house phone rang from Emily's bedside table. Drowsily, she opened one eye and reached for the receiver.

"Hello?" Her voice was a groggy rasp."Finally." Said JJ's voice from the other end. "Where's your cell? We need you down here pronto. Derek and Hotch are on their way, me, Garcia and Rossi are already here."_ pause._ "So is Reid… it's not good. See you soon." The line went dead. It took two seconds for Emily to go into hyper drive.

'It's not good…' What had JJ meant? Emily closed her eyes for a second as she pulled on her pants, forcing herself to take deep breaths. All the possibilities were running through her head. Reid hurt, Reid in trouble, Reid… no. Not that one. He would never go back down that path.

But still she quickened her pace.

After barely changing her clothes and pulling her hair back, she got into the sedan and raced to Quantico.


	4. definite OD

The ride into Quantico was a blur. All the way there her mind bubbled with questions. What was going on? 'It' didn't look good… what was 'it'? And why was Spencer back? Now, as she stumbled through the Quantico lobby, she reminded herself to breathe.

Jabbing the number seven in the elevator, she waited an excruciatingly long time as the elevator crept past floors one through six.

Finally the doors slid open and she crossed to the conference room. She didn't know how she knew to go there, she just did. Inside, she forgot to breathe again.

Morgan and Hotch had arrived before her, and they were standing over the conference table, where Garcia was sitting, looking lost. JJ was kneeling, only her back visible. Her hair was rippling down her back and she was surrounded by paramedics.

They knelt in a circle, around a person.

By the conference table Hotch stood white-faced and Derek stood, one hand balled into a fist and the other clutched in Garcia's hand.

Emily stood in the doorway, unnoticed, and watched the scene unfold. JJ was still kneeling, and Emily could hear her talking to the paramedics quickly. Words like 'narcotics' and 'addicted' drifted her way, and her stomach clenched.

The paramedics buzzed around like bees in a hive as her breathing got rapidly shorter. Her heart was pounding and she had tunnel vision. She couldn't look away if she wanted to.

As more paramedics entered, Emily was pushed out of the doorway and into the room. They carried a stretcher and placed it next to the huddle. As the new medics joined the circle, JJ stood and took a step back.

As she stood, she left a gap in the circle, just for a second. A gap Emily kept starring through long after it was filled.

In the gap she saw Spencer. But not any Spencer she recognized. Collected Spencer was gone. Flustered, shy, brilliant Spencer was a ghost in the back of her mind that she desperately tried to recall as she starred down at the new Spencer.

The new Spencer was terrifying. The Spencer she saw was weak in a way he'd never been before. His face utterly lax, he was deathly pale. His lips were completely dry and his hair fell all over, unkempt. But what was truly horrifying about the new Spencer was the stillness. It haunted her, that stillness.

He didn't move a muscle, not one. His serene face was made of marble, unmoving, like the dead. Like the dead.

Finally a voice broke her stupor. One of the paramedics was signalling the others.

"On three.

One

Two

Three."

As one they lifted, and placed him on the stretcher. As he was strapped in, they took their places around him again. And again they lifted. One of the medics separated from the group as he spoke into his collar.

"We've got a definite OD… we're on our way. We're losing time."

With that they carried the new, terrifying Spencer past Emily and out the door.


	5. to the hospital

After the elevator doors had closed, Emily realized she was not breathing. Sucking in a jagged breath, she turned and faced the room. What she saw she carried with her for the rest of her life.

She saw the pieces of a puzzle. An incomplete puzzle.

Her eye was drawn to JJ. Standing in the middle of the room, she focused on the ground where Spencer had lain. Her arms were limp at her side, her face contorted into an expression of grief so deep, Emily thought she felt her heart break. But before it did, JJ fixed her face in to a mask of lesser pain, and turned to the rest of them.

Finally, she noticed Emily's presence. She opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it again and sighed, collapsing into the nearest chair. She looked up at Emily with sad eyes before shaking her head and burying it in her hands.

Emily looked around the room and noticed for the first time Rossi, sitting on the floor staring at the carpet. He wasn't wearing his usual suit jacket, just a wrinkled light blue collared shirt. His face was vacant. He just stared. Emily imagined she probably looked kindof the same.

Finally, she took a step into the room, gathering the attention of the rest of the team. They all looked just as upset as JJ, if not as exhausted. But the person who caught her eye was Morgan. Not only did he look upset, he looked… devastated. He clutched Garcia's hand so tightly that his own knuckles were white. As Emily watched him, she noticed his breathing was ragged. His composure was stiff. He looked as though he was fighting to keep himself together. She felt like she was intruding on his most personal moment. She looked away.

She couldn't take it anymore. She swallowed and found her voice."What-" she'd thought she'd had more, but that was all she could manage. It was like a dam. All her confusion, all her anger and frustration. All her terror. She leaned against the wall, feeling light-headed. When she looked up again, everyones eyes were on her.

"What the hell?" She choked out.

Hotch swallowed and took a calculated breath, considering his words.

"I don't know." He said softly.

She felt the fear rising up in her. Hotch and Derek were loosing their cool. What could be bad enough, so horrible, that not even cool and collected, calculating Hotch could make sense of it?

From the table Garcia looked up at her with eyes like saucers.

"His mom's dead. She died yesterday…" She trailed off and looked around. JJ shook her head without raising it from her hands, and Derek closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his forehead with his hand.

Prentiss tried to process the information. She'd only met Mrs. Reid once, but the idea of her being dead was ridiculous. The way Spencer looked up to her. The way he talked about her and loved her. If there was one thing that Emily knew, she knew that Spencer Reid loved his mother with all of his being. She sighed and rubbed her eyes.

Garcia stood up, "Will someone please talk!" Everyone looked at her, startled. "Can someone please act like the world didn't just end, cause I'm _trying_ not to freak out but my baby genius just rode out of here in an ambulance." She stopped as JJ whimpered, and Derek pulled her into an embrace.

Emily bit her lip, "Is he going to be okay?" Her voice was uncharacteristically weak.

"The paramedics said he was barely breathing." Rossi spoke as he stood. He looked as though he'd rushed over just as quickly as Emily had.

Suddenly she was furious. "How could we not have- what's… how did this happen?" She looked at the elevator across the room, expecting it to wield answers.

Morgan shook his head, "I don't know. How could we have? It ain't like we keep tabs on Reid's mom." He shook his head again as Rossi picked up a pair of car keys from the table and looked at Hotch.

"Where are you going?" Morgan asked as Hotch nodded.

Rossi paused at the door on his way to the elevator, Hotch on his heels.

"To the hospital."

With a look at Derek, Garcia followed, pulling him along behind her. Hotch held the elevator door open and raised an eyebrow at Emily. She hesitated, then shook her head, nodding towards JJ. As the elevator door closed, she took a step towards the other woman. She stopped when she lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were red.

"JJ…" She said and rushed forward. Sitting in the chair next to the woman, she took her hand lamely. She wasn't sure how to handle this. JJ looked up at her. Her clear blue eyes were watery and pleading. She looked confused and hurt. Emily wished she could answer all of her questions.

Instead she rubbed her hand gently.

After a few minutes, JJ cleared her throat, "Em… could I have a few minutes alone?" Her soft voice cracked.

Emily nodded immediately and let go of her hand, standing up. She glanced towards the door and JJ nodded, "Go on… I'll meet you there."

Smiling sadly at her, Emily patted JJ's hand one last time, then crossed the bullpen and boarded the elevator, wondering how she could comfort her family when she herself felt like such a wreck.


	6. you've reached Spencer Reid

short chapter.

the next one will be up by the end of tonight.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

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Emily rode to the hospital alone. When she got there, Hotch and the rest of the group were standing at the reception counter. Hotch was addressing the woman behind the desk, who looked overwhelmed.

"Spencer Reid?" Emily heard him say uncertainly as she came up to the counter. It almost sounded like a question. The woman behind the desk typed something into her computer with lead fingers. She glanced at the screen, then looked up at them with doe eyes.

"Intensive care… are you all here to see him?" She raised an eyebrow as she surveyed the 5 of them. Hotch nodded and she smiled sadly. Everything about her was sad.

"If you wait, we can make sure someone keeps you updated…" She spoke delicately, careful not to stress any single word. She'd had practise with this, Emily noted.

Hotch nodded again and made his way to the ICU waiting room. He sat. And Rossi sat, and Derek and Garcia sat. But Emily stood. Her hands were clammy. Surely the others felt this way? Light-headed, weak. Like the world was cracking open. Her stomach was a knot of anxiety. She bit her lip and tried to keep her thoughts straight.

Pulling out her phone, she dialled two numbers. The first was JJ's. It went to voicemail after ringing three times.

"Hi JJ, it's Emily… we're at the hospital now. Reid's in… Reid's in intensive care. I'll call you if anything changes." She considered trying to comfort her friend, but just hung up.

The second number was Spencers. As it rang, she imagined it in a bag somewhere, along with his clothes and anything else he'd had on him when he'd collapsed. After four rings it clicked and the most glorious thing happened. His voice rang through the line. A recorded message.

"Hi, you've reached Spencer Reid. Leave a message."

Then it ended, and she listened to silence. Hanging up the phone, she slid it into her pocket. Then she sat.


	7. he just dropped

She supposed at some point she fell asleep, because when she woke up, JJ was there. She smiled and Emily smiled back. Looking around, she realized it was almost ten am. She looked to Hotch.

"No word yet?" He shook his head.

"None." He glanced towards the receptionists area like he considered verifying the lack of news. In the end he decided against it. He didn't have the energy to stand probably, Emily thought. 'Or maybe he's too scared' said a second voice in the back of her head.

No news in almost three hours couldn't be good. For the first time she seriously considered what had happened. Reid had OD'd. His mother had died. He was in the ICU. Intensive care. People who got shot went to the ICU, not Spencer Reid. People who got stabbed went to the ICU, not Spencer Reid. People who were on deaths door went to the ICU. Not Spencer Reid. Her eyes filled with tears as she fought to draw breath.

She shouldn't be freaking out. Reid _had_ been in trouble before. Out of all the members in the team, she thought he'd probably been in the hospital the most. It wasn't an entirely new experience. And yet somehow it felt different. She had a sense of foreboding. Of impending doom.

She realized she'd never been in the hospital with Reid before. During the anthrax scare she'd been out in the field. Of course she'd been worried, but she'd kept it at bay to do her job. And when he got shot, she really hadn't sweat it that much. At no point had it been life threatening, and Hotch was hurting so bad that she'd been distracted. And then there was the Tobias Hankel ordeal. She avoided thinking about that. Avoided putting his behaviour under scrutiny, just as the rest of the team dutifully had.

Thinking about all the times he'd cheated death, Emily felt an urge to pray. Thinking of all the times the entire team had cheated death. Gideon so long ago. Elle Greenaway before her. Hotch, Garcia, Derek. It was only a matter of time before it took one of them. It wouldn't wait forever.

She closed her eyes and breathed in. 'Please, just not today. Not him. Not him." She prayed silently as she fought the panic still rising up inside of her. She tried to tell herself that she was only worried because this meant a relapse. That she was only worried because Reid was… Reid. Sweet little genius Spencer. But she felt something tugging at the back of her mind.

Something that kept reminding her of the deep colour of his eyes. The way they glazed over when he was thinking. The way they lit up when he was spewing statistics. Talking about books. Doing magic tricks. The way his hair fell in front of them. The way he brushed it back with his delicate fingers. The way chills ran up her spine anytime those fingers grazed her.

"Spencer Reid?" Hey eyes snapped open and she bit her lip. Standing over them was a skeleton of a doctor, looking at them over a clipboard. She scrambled to her feet and the six of them huddled around the doctor. If he was surprised to see so many of them, he didn't show it.

"How is he?" Derek asked.

The doctor shook his head, "It wasn't good. He was in critical condition when we got him. We had to pump his stomach and filter his blood to get the drugs out of his system. He's better, but weak. He's sleeping now. He's going to have to stay a few days to recuperate, but we expect he'll make a full recovery. He's lucky."

Emily felt a piece of her come loose and float free. She was more then relieved, she was elated. She would see him again. She would see him again. Her heartbeat seemed to scream it into her ears. He was alright, and she would see him brush his hair back again.

She looked at the doctor gratifyingly, feeling as though she could kiss him. He still looked sombre, however. He studied them carefully.

"Can any of you tell me what happened?" Prentiss looked around to Garcia, who swallowed slowly.

"He… he said his mom died. I was getting coffee and I saw him go from the elevator to his desk. He was leaning against it and I thought he might be hurt so I dropped my coffee and rushed over and his hair was in his face and he was sweating. I asked him what was wrong and he looked up at me and his eyes were so sad and said 'my mom's dead' and he got all tippy and started swaying. And I called JJ in and we brought him into the conference room and Rossi came in and JJ made calls and Reid wouldn't sit down-"

Morgan took her hand and she took a breath, "he wouldn't sit down, he just put his hands on the table and kept saying 'she's dead' and then he started mumbling and then Hotch got there and two seconds later Morgan got there and the Rossi went for the paramedics cause Reid kept swaying and he was blinking so much and I couldn't calm him down and Rossi came back and Reid said something to Hotch… then he just fell. He just dropped." She looked around the circle, her eyes wide behind her glasses.

The doctor looked overwhelmed at this detailed account of the events. Emily was shocked. She had not heard the entire story yet. Her own arrival hadn't even been announced in Garcia's relaying of the events. The doctor looked around at them and Hotch cleared his throat warily. "I'm SSA Aaron Hotchner, these are agents Rossi, Morgan, Prentiss, Jereau, and Garcia." He paused and left silence where Reid belonged. The doctor nodded and looked back down at his clipboard.

"I'm sorry I can't tell you more. He isn't awake yet." He paused and considered for a second, "Though he was muttering a bit in his sleep while we were filtering his blood. It sounded like 'mom'. Then 'Emilia'." He glanced around at them awkwardly, unknowing of their first names. They all shook their heads, but Garcia looked at Emily.

"Emilia… or Emily." She said. Derek, Hotch, JJ and Rossi all looked at her in unison, then glanced away. Emily felt her face get hot. Why would Reid say her name? It was unlikely. The doctor barely glanced at her from her clipboard.

"Yeah, could've been… anyways I have to go. You can go in now, but he probably won't be awake for a while." With that he turned and left them.

Before anyone could speak, Hotch said, "You're all taking a day off. The world will be alright for one day without us. Reid needs us right now."

Emily nodded along with her coworkers, grateful. But as she followed them down the hall, she couldn't help but wonder how many people would lose their lives today because they weren't there to save them.

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hey guys! so now you alll know that NO, spencer will NOT die.

i hope you're all happy.

also, this chapter had considerably more of Emily thinking about her feelings for Dr. Reid. There is more of that to come.

also in the future is a change in POV from third person to first person... i don't know how many of you this will upset, and i'm not sure why i did it, but that's the way it's written out. and it would be too much of a hastle to redo it all to 3rd person.

ALSO to come is Reids first actual appearance/dialogue. hope you're excited!

so now you know what to expect.

updates _soon._


	8. all it took

They had taken posts around the bed, that's what it felt like. Garcia sat in an armchair pulled up towards his head, while Morgan stood with a hand on her shoulder. JJ sat in a chair on the other side of the bed, touching his arm where the IV was hooked. At the foot of the bed stood Hotch and sat Rossi, left knee pulled up onto the edge of the mattress.

Only Emily was out of arms reach. She stood about two feet away from Rossi, leaning against the windowsill. No one had spoken in a while, and the only sound in the room was the steady beep-beep-beeping of the machine verifying Reids life. The doctor had told them at around noon that the anaesthetic would wear off soon, therefore no one wanted to leave the room.

That had been about half an hour ago.

So there they were, waiting with batted breath for him to open his hazel eyes. The stillness that had terrified Emily earlier was gone, though he hadn't moved since they entered. It occurred to Emily that he'd looked so still earlier because he hadn't been breathing. The thought was disturbing.

Now he just looked like he was taking a nap… in a hospital bed, Emily thought. Then she thought, no. He was still paler then usual, and his hair all over the place. In his hospital gown he looked malnourished, though that was probably a result of the stomach pump.

The thing that bothered Emily the most was his lips. His lips were still so dry. She wondered why none of the hospital staff had noticed and why they hadn't done something about it. Couldn't they give him some water or something?

Distracted, she almost didn't notice JJ's body stiffen, or Morgans hand tighten on Garcia's shoulder. Emily and Hotch took a step forward in unison as Reid's eyes flickered. He kept them shut, though, as he lifted his hand to his face. She saw his adams apple bob as he swallowed, then lick his lips. Rubbing his eyes, he heaved a breath.

"Oh man." His voice was a thick rasp, but Emily had never heard anything sweeter in her life. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. Emily watched as emotions flashed across his face. First confusion, the recognition, then pain, then remembrance, then pain, and finally he settled on shame. Or embarrassment. Or both.

Emily saw him glance down at his exposed arm, but cover the action by reaching for a cup of water on the nightstand. Everyone was silent as he drank deeply from it, finally aiding his parched lips, and then looked around for a clock. It seemed to her like he was doing everything he could to avoid talking to the people crowded around him.

Then she realized what an impossible situation this must be for him. She glanced at Hotch, and found that he was looking at Reid as though he would combust at any second. The look surprised Emily. She'd rarely seen such vulnerability and tenderness on Hotch. He looked genuinely… worried sick. A look that almost mirrored the one on Dereks face.

Garcia looked as though she'd just seen an angel, and JJ still looked exhausted. Finally, Reid stopped, brushed his hair out of his eyes and looked at Hotch. That look said so many unspoken things that Emily was sure it traveled back centuries. Then Hotch closed his eyes and sat in the last open chair.

"Spencer Reid, I swear to God, if you pull shit like this ever again, I'll have you killed." Then he put his face in his hands. Emily saw Spencers eyes linger on him for another silent second before nodding.

"…I'm pretty sure that if I pull anything like this again, I'll kill myself." He said quietly.

And it broke her. Just like that, the little composure she had kept all these years shattered to a million fragments. She stared down at him and felt the tears well up, and knew there was no way to stop them. Not after all this time.

His eyes found her then, his soft brown eyes. Just for a second they looked at each other, before she turned away and left the room. She heard the door click behind her and she barely made it to the waiting room before the sobs started. The racking sobs that shook her to her core.

She cried then, for the first time in 9 years, she sobbed. She cried for Gideon and Elle. She cried for Hotch, for Derek, for Garcia. She cried for all those who cheated death, but were never the same. She cried because she was crying and she cried for herself. And she sobbed until she was bone-dry for Reid. Because she knew what was happening and what had happened, no matter how hard the team tried to ignore it. She cried for him. He had broken her. After all her years of icy resolve, all the time she'd spent teaching herself to be strong, all it took was Reid.

All it took was his soft eyes, his delicate fingers. His lean composure. The way he spoke, the way he walked. The way he looked at her. The way he sat. Her mind went through every one of his characteristics, physical and otherwise, and relished each of them. She couldn't help it.

This couldn't happen right now. She didn't have room for this.

What was _this_?

When she finally stopped crying, she looked up and realized Hotch was there with her. He sat across from her and nodded at her when she lifted her head. His eyes were red too, but she pretended she didn't notice. And he pretended she hadn't cried like the world was ending. She stood, then paused.

"Hotch?" she asked shakily. He raised an eyebrow.

"What did he say… before he collapsed? Garcia said earlier…"

Hotch nodded and looked her in the eye.

"He said he was sorry."

She looked down at him for a second longer, then turned and went to the bathroom.


	9. that elephant

Inside, she looked in the mirror. Then she nearly groaned aloud. Her eyes were red and puffed like she'd been stung by a bee. Her hair was a matted mess. Sighing, she splashed cold water on her face and wiped away the smudged mascara she'd left on last night. Then she pulled her fingers through her hair a few times, tied it back up, and surveyed herself again.

Her face looked marginally clearer, and her hair was returned to it's normal state. Her eyes were still bloodshot, but without eye drops she couldn't fix that. She looked almost composed. Almost.

After a few minutes, she left the bathroom and found her way back to Spencers room, where things seemed unchanged, except for the presence of a nurse. Obviously having heard he was awake, she'd come check up on him. She puttered around the beeping machine, looking at things and asking him short questions. He was looking down at his hands, avoiding eye contact. Hotch was back in his chair.

When Emily entered, Spencer glanced up, his gaze heavy. Suddenly she wanted to see him smile. She couldn't stand this hospital. Things shouldn't be like this, she thought as she touched the rim at the foot of the bed.

"What's the last thing you remember?" The nurse asked from behind the machine. Prentiss watched as Spencer considered his thoughts.

"I'm not sure. I left Las Vegas… and after that I'm pretty much blank."

So he had been in Las Vegas, thought Emily as the nurse smiled in a way Emily sure she thought was reassuring. She probably though he had just been up there having some fun over the weekend. Emily hated the nurse. Her shiny brown hair in it's stupid high ponytail. She hated her. She couldn't possibly know.

"Okay, and do you remember exactly where you got the narcotics?" The nurse asked casually, almost muffled. Every other person in the room was still as the question hung in the air. Finally out in the open.

The narcotics. The ones he took because he was addicted.

She watched as he took two deep breaths, now looking at his hands again, before answering.

"No." He said simply. And then the nurse was gone. She let herself out of the room, smiling a promise to be back later with food.

In her place she left an elephant.

* * *

okay guys, this is where my papers get kindof crazy.

i think i even lost a few pages. so i have to either a) find them or b) rewrite them

either way it might be a little while before the next update. i have to straighten out everything.

but i plan on updating my other fic alot sooner, so checck thaat out while you wait if you want.

_LOVE YOU ALL._


	10. at night time

The day had gone by quickly after the nurses visit. She left and came back five short minutes later with a tray full of food. The team had watched in silence as Reid slowly chewed each bite until the tray was empty.

The nurse came back in shortly after that to retrieve the empty tray and to convince Reid to shut his eyes and force himself back to sleep.

So he slept most of the day, waking up from time to time only to take a sip of water before falling back into slumber. Emily could tell he was in pain, but he didn't seem to mind.

She spent most of the day sitting in an armchair they'd dragged in from the waiting room, watching his chest move evenly up and down. She never thought she would treasure that movement quite this much.

She sat and watched him breathe, watched every movement of his body, watched every flicker of his eyelashes. She felt as though she was in a dream. She couldn't grasp the fact that he was alright. Again, he was alright. Again, he was okay and surviving and still Spencer Reid.

So she spent the day watching him breathe.

Now, though, it was night. Hotch and Rossi had spent the better part of an hour trying to convince the rest of the team to go home and sleep in their beds, but eventually gave in to JJ and Garcia's disapproving snarls.

It was dark in the room, other than a singular light over Reid's bed. Everyone was asleep but Emily, despite her best efforts. They all slept in their chairs, covered in thin blankets the same nurse had brought for them. Garcia and Derek slept hand in hand, while JJ slept with her knees curled underneath her and her hair splayed over the back of her chair. Rossi, with his chair pushed up next to the door, slept with his head lolling to the left, arm dangling down over the side of the chair.

Hotch sat at the foot of Spencers bed, sound asleep. He sat completely upright, with his head leaned back against the wall. He'd fallen asleep watching Spencer sleep. Emily had seen him tenderly scrutinize Reid all day, barely leaving the room at all. She was still dumbfounded by the delicate way Hotch was acting. It was probably one of the things feeding her dreamlike state. Pulling the blanket up around her shoulders, she shifted in her chair.

She was sitting in front of the window, level to Reid's midsection on the bed, and though she hadn't slept more than a few hours in the past two days, she couldn't sleep. Her eyes wouldn't stay closed and she couldn't get comfortable. The blanket kept falling away, requiring her to shift her entire body again and again just to stay underneath it. She sighed and rightened herself to sitting position. Sleeping was obviously not an option. She considered raising to find a cup of coffee, but rejected the idea almost immediately. She didn't want to stir any of the team, but a small part of her also just didn't want to leave the room.

She decided she would just sit. She pulled the blanket around herself again and shuffled deeper into the chair, staring into space when something caught her eye. Spencer was stirring on the bed.

"Prentiss?" His voice was barely audible in the silence. She stiffened immediately, unsure what to do. Had he really said anything, or was her exhaustion getting the better of her?

Her question was answered as he slowly sat up in his bed.

"Hmm?" She answered quietly.

He didn't respond for a long time. He was sitting with his hands on his lap with eyes flickering across the room, failing to meet hers.

"How long have you been awake?" She finally asked him, tired of the silence.

"I'm not sure… a while. I've just been lying here. I didn't think anyone else was up." He answered, his voice low. It sounded hesitant, sad. Even without seeing it, she could feel his frown. She knew how it fell across his face, how it creased his brow, and how it pinched his lower lip between his teeth.

She listened to his breathing for a second. "How are you feeling?" She heard him sigh.

"Okay. I think. I don't know." He sighed again.

Her heart twisted in her chest. She wanted to help him, but didn't know how to talk to him right now. She'd never been this far out of professional boundaries with him.

"Hotch is really mad, isn't he?" Reid continued.

"I think he's just worried… we all are." She bit her lip and looked into his face, forcing him to meet her eyes.

When he did, she saw that they were full of tears.

"I'm so sorry," He whispered hoarsely, "I'm so sorry, Emily."

She nodded and felt tears welling up inside herself as well. She swallowed them back down and shifted herself so that she was sitting on the edge of her seat.

"What happened, Reid?" She asked softly, watching as he bit his lip. She let him contemplate, waiting patiently until he was ready."It… I got a call on Wednesday," He started, "I got a call…saying my mom was sick. She was really sick." He paused. "So I told Hotch I needed some time off, and then I flew out to Vegas. She was already… She wasn't well when I got there. They said that she had deteriorated fast. She was barely conscious. Half the time she didn't know who I was… it was like she was already gone." His voice grew thin and he stopped. Emily watched him rub his eye with his left hand, then brush his hair back.

"And then she was gone. She was just gone and I didn't know what to do. I've never felt so alone in my whole life. Not ever… even when I was a kid. My mom was always there for me. She was my only friend. And then she was gone." His voice shook and he stopped. He met Emily's eyes with his own and she looked into them. They were filled with a deep sadness that made Emily's entire body ache. She saw the years of torture, a little boy without any friends, coming home to his mother. She saw him listening to his mother read him stories aloud. She saw him forcing her to eat, taking care of the house, taking care of himself. She saw him checking her into a mental hospital at the age of eighteen.

"Reid… I'm so sorry." It was true. She couldn't imagine the pain he was going through.

He nodded without speaking. Then he glanced down at his arm. Then back up at her.

"I got back to my apartment and I was… really messed up. I don't even remember anything after that, up until being in the conference room with Hotch. I don't even know how I got there!" He sounded frustrated. "I mean, I could have done anything, and I wouldn't even have known about it. What am I doing? I thought I beat this. I was so convinced."

Emily shook her head. "Emotional turmoil's often result in relapses. You know that, Spencer."

A strange look passed through his eyes when she used his first name, only for a second. Then he shook his head.

"I know but…" He pushed his hair back and looked around at everyone in the room, studying them each individually. "I hate myself for doing this to you guys."

Emily studied him for a second. "We were scared." She paused, remembering her own terror. The thought of never hearing his voice again. "We were so, so scared."

She saw him bite the inside of his cheek, still looking at Hotch in the chair. "Do you want to know the worst part? Waking up. I woke up, and you were all here standing around me, looking so sad. So… disappointed." Emily looked away as she remembered her own behaviour when he woke up. She'd stormed out of the room as soon as he'd made eye contact. Of course he must have thought she was angry.

"Spencer, we're not mad. Not even a little. We're just scared for you. We don't know what we'd do without you." _I don't know what I'd do without you._

He looked down at his own hands and nodded. Then he looked back up at her, eyes round and sad.

"Emily, I'm scared." He said quietly.

She felt her heart twist again. She wanted to tell him everything would be alright, that no matter what, she would be here. She wanted to tell him how much she missed his voice, how much she needed his presence.

"I know. I know. This is the scariest part." She fought back old memories of sitting with another friend, deteriorating, out of control. Drugged. "But you will get through it."

Carefully, she leaned towards the bed and took his hand in her own. He looked down at their hands and smiled a tiny smile. It was the first time she'd seen him do it since they'd been here. And, even under the circumstances, it irrationally soothed her.

She looked back up at his face.

"You should go back to sleep." She said, regretting it to be true.

He nodded, biting his lip again.

"Thank you, Emily." He said, squeezing her hand gently. She smiled back at him before leaning back in her chair, watching him ease back onto his pillows and close his eyes.

After a few minutes she closed her own eyes, falling asleep to the memory of the feeling of his hand in hers.

* * *

_this will be updated weekly on fridays!_

sorry for the crappy chapter, i decided to just rewrite the story from here on out. and i wrote most of this late at night, super exhausted.

but i still hope you enjoy it!

and i still love you all.


	11. you'll be the first I call

"Emily.."

She stirred as she felt someone gently prod her arm. Opening her eyes, she sat up. Light was shining through the blinds behind her, illuminating Rossi's face as he leaned over her. As she sat up, he took a step back.

"What time is it?" She rubbed her eyes and looked around. They were alone in the room except for a sleeping Reid.

"It's almost ten." Rossi stood over her awkwardly and she nodded. Her shirt was wrinkled and the blanket had fallen to the ground during the night. Not to mention the horrible crick in her neck, and the fact that she could feel the way the hair on the left side of her head was bent out of shape. She stood and picked the blanket up off the ground, folding it and draping it over the chair.

Swallowing the taste of morning breathe in her mouth she asked, "Where is everyone?"

Rossi took another step back before answering. "JJ went back to the office to schedule us all a few more days off. Morgan and Hotch are both getting coffee in the cafeteria, and Garcia went home to shower and change her clothes." He looked her up and down, a little awkwardly, and added, "Maybe you should take her lead."

Emily looked down at her bedraggled self and nodded, then looked around at Reid and sighed.

He was sleeping on his back with one lanky arm draped over his stomach and the other by his side. His head was turned away from them, towards the door, obscuring their view of his face.

Rossi caught her looking and took her arm gently, "Emily, he's gonna be fine. It'll only be a few hours, and Hotch and I aren't gonna leave the hospital." Seeing that she still wasn't completely satisfied, he smiled. "If anything happens, you'll be the first I call." With that he gently steered her towards the door and into the hall, watching as she walked down the hall to the waiting room and into the elevator. As she walked she stole a glance back, looking past Rossi to Reid on the bed. Then she boarded the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby.

* * *

sorry for the late update/short chapter!  
i imagine you guys aren't very pleased with me S:  
but i promise this week you'll have a proper full-length chapter with more P/R in it!  
and more of the team, cause i know i'm barely even incorporating them.  
stick with me, guys! love you all..

reviews keep me motivated to continue bringing you awkward Rossi/Prentiss moments.


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